The why’s of love…

03/2/10
The days continue to pass from dusk to dawn without time to think clearly and I am remiss as to what I can say here and what I should say here. Efforts in writing shall begin in earnest after this weekend. My job will continue to swallow much of my time these next two days and then into the weekend. So it will take me a day or two after this production to decompress. More importantly, I have a session with my detective/medium coming at the end of this week and its reminder begs of me again to search within my own soul for my purpose. Another chance to ask questions I have been storing up since the first. I will not want to task her longer on this if I can help it, as I know others will want to come through. As insane as this may sound, I will ask her to remain open to the perpetrators of this crime, if they wish to be heard. She says she has no control over who steps forward and I appreciate the candor and weight of her words, but I am hopeful to hear from others involved. Do you find it odd to consider, that I might desire to hear details from their perspective? I am most curious about G and realize I may appear bias in my appraisals thus far. If I am to be truthful, I will confess to you the bias you recognize is real. Unwarranted perhaps, but real none the less. Do I believe love and/or rejection of love equates to the loss of life? I do not. Love is a lesson and death is such a contradiction to what it was I believe Charley was trying to achieve. Do I have misgivings about his altruistic nature? I suppose, but only in the same fashion I have about my own. Love is always the unknown variable.

I believe that Charley loved his wife in the way a couple often comes to love. It is a love of combined identity for two people who have shared the experience of birth and death. A bond shared between two souls bound by experience and history- by their children and the years of familial ties and the margins in which they both painted a life. Bound by comfort and great affection, they create a tapestry of memories that seem to hold their lives together. But there is another love that sometimes picks at the frayed ends of a relationship and tugs away at the loose threads we create when we neglect one another… A love that while it feeds nothing on the surface of who we are, recognizes a portion of who we once were. Love’s greatest lesson is that we learn, no one controls the heart. We fall in love with different people for reasons we sometimes never know. It is a search to rebuild what has been broken in our own lives by life itself… one glance, one touch, one tear, one kiss at a time. Sometimes only subconsciously understanding it is our primary obligation to become whole- to fulfill our reason for being. Could G have become Charley’s reason for being? It is possible… in the same sense that she could also have become the reason for his demise. Was she a part of it? I believe so, but I am also curious as to what Charley could have done to her to warrant such reactions. What infraction sought could have brought such rapacious justice as reward? Jealousy? Revenge? Fear? And who anointed those who served it up buffet style?

Was this all about power and money? About the threat of Charley getting too close to the local organised crime ring? Was the karma delivered almost ten years later, the impetus for this crime? And how did G play into the larger schematic? Was she also involved with the alleged hit men?

The scenario reminds me of a scene from the play Bull In a China Shop where the lovely reporter Jane is trying to describe the uncanny attraction of five women to one man- Dennis O’Finn, a homicide detective! ‘A twist on the old triangle theory. What would you call this? A hexagon?’

Rumor dictates that there were two men and one woman at the scene of the crime.  The original information I received well after my first session from another retired law enforcement individual. According to my information received from Charley through the medium, I know it has to do with G and ‘other’ business. My suspicion is that Charley was onto the illegal gambling ring that was broken up after his death, but that still doesn’t explain what the relationship between G and B.C. would have been. Charley may have been a pawn in a much larger game and G the convenient cornerstone to the set up.

I think about the cornerstones and events of my own life this past year and know the effects of frayed edges and their cost. Perhaps that is why Charley chose me. To guide? To mentor? To warn? It is a curious thread which binds me to a man who died almost the entirety of my life ago. Maybe it is his pain that keeps me up at night…or maybe it is the echo of my own. Solving the mystery of Charley’s death will not bring Charley back or return to him the wonderful years he has missed with his children. It cannot bridge the gap between he and his wife; both chronologically in their deaths and emotionally in their lives. But according to the medium, Hazel was at his side throughout the session… quiet and stoic she let him take lead and speak his mind. Perhaps she invites me to do the same. Asking me to be quiet, so that another may speak their mind. To wait patient and not waste time on the why’s of love, but to enjoy the mysteries it brings to each of us.
Until later then…

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