9/10/10
Today I received a note from Charley’s daughter that said she could not thank me enough for what I am doing. Truth is I cannot thank her enough. When R told me this would become a life altering experience, I knew that on a deeper level she meant that I would look at life differently from then forward. What I don’t suppose she suspected is that I would also look at death differently too from that point forward.
A little anecdote…
Once when I was pregnant with child number two, I had a dream that I had died. Could have been late night pizza or ice cream, or even gas – but I digress. In the dream it was the next morning. It began like any other day in my life as a stay at home mom back then. I was washing dishes, heard the chatter of neighbors through open windows and the barking of dogs… then suddenly a cacophony of twisting and crunching metal. When I rushed to the front door of my home and opened it wide, I saw cars piling one atop the other in an endless chain of wrecking for as far as the eye could see. Smoke and steam poured from every hood and window. Some people lay stagnant on the ground in great distress or death and then in the midst of this chaos… absolute silence, filled with light. In this light all pain was removed and some of them began to levitate and ascend towards the east. (Odd as this may be- I was living near the base of Stone Mountain at the time.) The silence was disarming and the thought came to me “some will stay and some will go”. In the next second and without any pain or effort, I began in my ascension. Now, one would think at this point- ERROR! I know I did…
But there I was, among those moving away from my front doorstep and away from my child and husband now frantic for my safety. In the instant I grasped the gravity of the situation- (no pun intended) – I began to argue with the force that seemed to be in control of my ascent. Now, those who know me well see my arguing with deity more as a fate accompli- than a shocking revelation. Never the less, the more I argued my case- the swifter my ascent until at one point I heard myself very defiantly say, “No. You do not understand. I cannot leave. You speak of perfection and of eternal harmony and yet, perfection for me lies below. There… with bawling babes and barking dogs. A mortgage bigger than my budget and a life that doesn’t always comply with my visions- but it is mine and it is there that I belong. I am not ready to go and so as much as I fear I have offended- I refuse to go.”
The next thing I remember I woke with a start- cold sweat and after checking surroundings- proceeded to call my mother at 3:00 in the morning to tell her I had died, pissed off the powers that be and then was rather abruptly afforded my wish to stay.
I tell you this because; I can no longer call my mother at 3 in the morning or even at 3 in neither the afternoon- nor my father. I have lost both parents and while it sucks beyond belief to be an orphan at 52- I am still much further ahead than Charley’s daughter who never even got to know him and lost her mother even younger than I did mine. Through various readings with R, occasionally I may get a message or an impression of my folks and “…to know that they are exactly where they are meant” (quote from St. Teresa of Avila- patron saint of all writers’- me!) brings me joy.
But even beyond that, I am happy to be of service. To know that I am exactly where I am meant to be. This experience has altered the course of my life. Oh to be sure I would always be a writer. For me it is breath itself. But to have purpose in that writing. To give voice to those who can no longer speak…to be given such a gift to be used as tool for good? Wow!
Life altering experience, she said?
Oh yes… I am forever altered.
Thank you Charley.
Thank you Julie.
Thanks mom and dad.
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