I feel as though I am cheating on Charley…

2/1/11

With so much going on in my life, I feel as though I am cheating on Charley in the chaos of it all. I have two productions underway- with no assistant… school has started back and classes are already overwhelming…my job description is morphing into something still unknown and on top of everything else…I am relocating! My life seems to be tucked in between the pages of books and pressed cardboard and in between it all I cannot seem to find Charley. Glimpses here and there of fleeting shadows he presents for my folly tease tenderly, but I find I long for the comfort of solid and steady connection. He has become my touchstone to higher purpose. Still, I suppose this is the kind of static silence between friends… the kind that occurs when individual lives take on greater focus and due diligence required just to survive the onslaught of excess. All that being said; I just flat out miss him.
All my other connections bend to the pressures and appear on track- husband, children… co-workers and fellow comrades in life all fine and pushing forward. They are constant and it’s good. I just miss Charley and his subtle antics. I miss the flow of information and his idiosyncratic curiosity on the things I do- or do not do that seem to intrigue him so. In the interest of jumpstarting the evolution of my higher self again, I have tried to do as much reading as writing of late. But the imbalance while certainly enlightening, has left me slightly off kilter cerebrally. Ingesting so much information at one time sometimes creates an overload and when one has need of purging- the time has escaped you and you cannot. Homework demands attention- life begs of it and in the tug of war- the writing for love of writing must always take a second seat.
Here in my cocoon- I understand the mode of survival. I must breathe deep, look out onto gray skies and know in my heart that the pen calls and waits patiently not to be denied because it and I are as one. So with joy I settle easy into chair, adjust the light and ponder for one moment the mysteries of just being a writer. To understand the lure of the laptop’s steady hum, the memorizing waves of steam from morning coffee that seem to dance and bow before an imaginary muse that beckons and calls sweetly to my secret soul. I miss these things in the same way that I miss the soothing voice of a treasured friend, an inspirational passage from a worn and well loved book… the painted features in an 8 x 10 that greets me each morning. It is a love affair with the human mind.
This winter has brought many blessings and surprises. A country drive on a snowy day beside a lake has brought a new address into my Rolodex- mine. And in my haste to be prepared for this recently divinely inspired and insanely quick decided move- I have packed all upon this desk but lamp, various texts of academic fodder and my dearest friend in all the world- or in the other world, as it may be- Charley. In fact most of who I am now resides in boxes labeled with bits and parts of my day to day life. Though removing everything else reduced the clutter I am known for…when considering packing his photo into the larger bins that held the rest of his life, I paused. The very thought of removing him from sight left the area too barren to consider. So here at my side, whether it be break of morning, or pitch of night… my dear friend with the steely gray eyes must keep silent vigil and bolster me for the road ahead. And even though I know as I bend untested bindings of academic tomes- or gaze among the stars that guide me in my path- I know when I look into those eyes that there is order and purpose to this life. Charley reminds me to be confident that in the grander scheme of things I am no longer alone in my quest for understanding of the universe and the journey of the soul.

Now, with coffee in hand and friend to govern my heroic efforts to achieve, let’s move onto Chapter 3, “Probable Cause and Reasonable Suspicion” and what it will teach me in order that I can be of better service to you.

This is for you Charley- all for you and for the next soul that cries out from the cosmos to find their justice from beyond as well.

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