Brownstonelit's Blog

4/28/12

Everything feels suspended these days…

I continue to work towards my goals as I watch others walk past me closer to the fruition of their own. A sister closing in on her nursing degree next week after marriage, divorce and 4 kids. Another sister hanging on the word of a successful interview for a job promotion…another who has already made that leap…a child who is walking the hard road back to closure in one relationship and another child walking forwards towards  the mending of hers… and then there is me.

I continue to work on my degree…my job…the book… the investigation and my life and somehow the days and nights continue to revolve, all the while I feel no closer to the goals. I know this year promised to be slow. They said that cabin fever will set in because things are not moving at the rate of speed I wanted, but they are still moving. They said to keep working, even though it feels as though nothing is happening- it is.

I am not depressed…just in limbo.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on the book. Again, it is hard to separate Charley’s story from my own- so I haven’t. Some days I can feel him at my elbow, right beside me- cheering me on- letting me know that he is with me. Then there are days when I cannot feel him- as though he has slipped away to some other realm where he has no more need of me or my constancies. Some days I worry that I have hit the tail end- and I know I have, but somehow the end leaves me anxious and sad. So much still to piece together, so many clues, images and names that I cannot tie the strings to yet continue to wander across every page of my report.

If you have followed this blog from the start and for those of you just beginning…don’t just begin- go back to the beginning and start reading from there. From here it all looks so easy- it’s not now, nor was it before. From there I knew I had forever to go and it was both comforting and frustrating, because it was a direction and you just kept plugging away.

From here? I look behind and see the long road we have traveled together; emotionally, spiritually and clandestinely. I have asked a million questions- gotten back as many answers in kind and though I have been able to piece meal this case together from scratch…there are so many pieces left undone and they know how that bothers me. They know that for me, every balloon must have its string- every can must have its lid- every envelope must have its letter and every clue must have its segue. Intellectually I know I cannot possibly make everything fit perfectly and yet emotionally I know no other way.

R once said…no. R has said more than once that a letter from Tallahassee would be coming my way from a woman who has much to share. A woman perhaps who has information vital to my cause. Somebody in the mix has a relative there. I know it- he knows it. What does she have to say? What information can she tell me? What piece of this puzzle can she solve for me? One man’s wife continues to whisper in his ear- tell the truth, now before someone dies and can no longer receive redemption. One man’s ego will take him to his grave and then to the great fires beyond. One man is too crazy even to know he is already a dead man walking, because he has no heart- no soul- no hope of eternal forgiveness.

And then there is me- the keeper of the club. I watch them move from here to there. Listen to their boasts, watch their eyes dart from side to side-wondering who knows- who doesn’t. They mail letters, make phone calls, go to church, walk the graveyards of their past, cut ribbons and tie bows. All under the watchful eyes of those who follow this blog- those who know the collective truth- those who refuse to defend the historic lie that surrounds the death of Charles G. Covington.

The story is all but finished. I want the right ending for the book and you all can help supply it. Watch them. Follow their moves, remember their deeds and look for their mistakes. Who did they befriend- what did they do, where did they go? Who slept with who, who paid the price and with what did they pay? Who had the diamonds? Who had the lighter? Who had the coat? Who had the deformed thumb and the anchor tattoo? Who watched the fire from her window- who tied the barbed wire about the ankles? Whose fingers crushed the throat- whose lights swirled when they found her? Who pushed the package into the water? Who had the lunch box and who had the blades? Who pulled the trigger and who buried the goods? Who left this world in a fog of guilt? Who lives still thinking they will never get caught?

These are the questions that keep me up at night…they should keep you up too. Some nights it’s not fair that I cannot rest while others sleep. Some nights it’d be nice to have company to watch the stars.

If you have information…find me.

This entry was posted on April 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.