7/8/2012
There are many divine properties to this adventure and yesterday another one unveiled itself to me.
All along I have been writing of the trials of Charley and those that murdered him… I have even included the trials of the other victims that have now found a way to move forward in their evolution. In all of this, I too have had many trials and have evolved from one individual to quite another.
Did I always believe in divine law? Yes…
Did I always believe in divine love and forgiveness? Yes…
Did I ever experience either of these before? Yes…
Did I forget what they taught me in the midst of my own personal trials? Yes…
And so another breakthrough.
Yesterday was the 7th and while my mind was wrapped around other clues, my heart was decidedly somewhere else deliberating an ancient dilemma.
Why?
Because truth is a fickle thing. They say it sets you free… but does it always? Sometimes there is the use of truth as catharsis for healing… and sometimes there is use of the truth as armor or weapon. I know this is all sounds terribly cryptic and it is meant to be. This is for me to vomit and for you to tolerate at this time, but it does give one pause.
Do you have a truth which both sets you free, even as it ensnares another? A truth that can liberate and enslave us, all at the same time?
This book’s intro has been in a stall position for several months for just such a reason and I have spent many a moment in silent prayer as to how to decide which is the better course. Yesterday I saw the movie Moonrise Kingdom and while it had little to do with my real life- it spoke to me about something else. That combined with kind words and honest apparaisal, I saw the eventual light of a situation I had remained tunnelled on for far too long. For this brief moment of absolute clarity, I must thank my dear friend Delores. You see, once a thing is set free- it can no longer be caged- controlled. A truth may leave the cage one animal and without permission become something else entirely. A truth without segue is a wild animal that mutates among lies and grows teeth and fangs that later it may use on its liberator. A truth begs explanation. Then one must explain the explanation and that explanation begets another explanation and so on… and the explanations become interminable and the truth lost all together!
Yesterday it finally became quite clear that a truth can still be a truth without such complications.
What on earth does this have to do with Charley’s story? Everything and nothing… and while that does not help you to discern what it is I am not saying…sometimes just to hear yourself think out loud is all that is necessary to make sense of something. Each of us carries hurts; both self inflicted and self absorbed. Hurts that wound us so deep we cut off all acknowledgement in order to survive and process. Moments that create baggage we carry throughout every other experience and even though we are ready to fly, unbeknownst to us we remain tethered… perhaps not academically, but emotionally. Emotional baggage is not just the hyper sensitivity to certain trials, but also the dead weight of denial and/or obliteration. Not dealing with something is just as bad as constantly living within it and using it as both validation and explanation for where we are or where we were.
Yesterday I saw my suitcase for what it was- luggage. A place where I stored all my precious truths to take with me on this voyage. Suddenly I have arrived at my destination and I realize that I have over-packed. I did not need a suitcase full of explanations. I needed only one truth to get here and stay here- I was chosen to write this story. And that truth alone, should be more than enough to keep me warm when people’s words become too cold at what they have read, or enough to keep me cool when later they decide to bring on the heat for the words I’ve written!
Today, I am here. A place I have never been before and I cannot and do not have the right to keep myself from fully exploring where just TODAY can take me.
Today… I had a God-wink. (Thank you Mary) Oh to be sure- just one of a million a long the way, but in the instant I had it… my heart was lightened a thousand fold and I could breathe again.
R once told me I would know when to stop writing… when the book/story would be finished and I could share it with the world and move on. With today’s decision, I believe I have reached that time. Will I continue to blog about this?
Maybe yes…maybe no.
There are still so many clues and so many who have things they both wish and need to share with me, to help them make sense of their own pasts and I respect that and would not leave them without remedy as they are now part of this incredible tapestry that together Charley and I have woven. But for today at least, the path for me is finally clear which way the winds should blow. You see in the end sometimes, it is not only the other person we must forgive… it is most often ourselves. Charley has done such and he has taught me to be so gracious in kind, not only with others- but with myself.
Once forgiven…we set others and ourselves free.
Today I am free.
For R
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