Brownstonelit's Blog

1/11/2013

Today Grim can have the day off. I have no desire to play the game.

Instead, I am having another Adam Lambert week where frustrated with where I am, I throw my hands to the sky and ask the universe…”What do you want from me?” Only this time I am less inclined to listen for the answer. Why? Because for the first time in a long time I grow weary of the road blocks presented and tire of the need to accommodate. (BTW’s this has nothing to do with the case or the book.)

Disappointed about another’s decision, I must move forward and remember that like a previous misread opportunity, my true job is here. Is it hard? Hard to squelch this ever burgeoning need to excel- to move forward- to try and outwit fate and yet be reminded at every turn that my energies may be wasted if diluted further? Ego is such an odd thing. With it we become more than we are and without it we have less to spur us forward.

When does it become enough? Shall the student always aspire to teach- the teacher to become the professor, the professor to become the legend? When do we say that being right for what we do does not mean we settle for mediocrity if we become nothing else? Or does it mean that we recognize the design in our soulful departure and make peace with where we are if something is blocked? Is it that more is sometimes just more or that higher simply separates us further from that which we loved in the first place? These are the questions of the day. When does the complement become the pigeon hole? And when does the pigeon hole no longer fit? I strive for patience. I hear the angels whisper in my ear- ‘do not quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens.’ These 5 little minutes have now  lasted 4 years!

It is curious… when we strive for something else; does that denote a lack of faith in the divine plan for our lives? Or does it reaffirm our need to achieve and grow? Let me rephrase that. When we strive for something else and it becomes blocked…does that denote a lack of faith in the divine path for our lives? A simple redirect from afar? Or… does it merely mean that it is not our turn, or that we are barking at shadows that have naught our silhouette attached?

I say, ‘this disappointment- this too shall pass,’ and that I should revel in someone else’s joy and I do. Yet even as I applaud their efforts, I am feeling unappreciated for my own. Is this shallow…superficial? Of course it is, but it is also human. I keep my Angel book close. I scout for numbers, reach for meaning and messages that will tell me I am still on my path and that this recent disappointment should be seen as confirmation that I am where I am meant. I listen in the night and haunt my own dreams waiting for another message in case I have clearly misunderstood the universe’s intent– but the messengers seem to have all gone silent. Why so needy? Why so distant? Because it feels as if Charley has moved on? Because there are others waiting in the wings to be heard and I remain too emotionally tethered to the recent past to hear them?

Cycles…cycles…cycles. This  is a month in which I am to let go of that which no longer works. I must remember that the wheel of life continues to turn regardless my egotistical wants or my monitorial needs. Impatient I yell at the sky- this is supposed to be my year and only 11 days in I am already behind. Note to self- this is not an ethereal temper tantrum…this is a heartfelt ploy for needy confirmation. Like Moses wandering the desert I grow weary of the sand and grit between my toes. Unlike Moses I am a woman so I stop often and ask for directions- assuming that my walk about will be dramatically shortened! I cannot wander about aimlessly whatever my liking- I have a mission and I am haggling with unseen obstacles because I am uncertain what they stand for.

In the end I will lay down my head and submit. Why? Because it is futile to do anything else. I will concede that the thing was not right for me- that I was not right for it and I will lick my wounds and salve my bruised ego and I will move forward- but I will not forget. And each new time I reach, I will hesitate just a few seconds more before I try. I will think about the hurt… I will mull over the ever thinning veneer of my resilience and I will question the effort to try again… but try I must, for that is my constitution.

So what is it I want from the universe? The same thing that I can get from Sears or Home Depot…I want a friggin guarantee! I want to know that if I try again- I will succeed.

Ok… stop laughing! We all saw how futile that was gonna be from the outset. Still, I thought I’d try. Sometimes it’s necessary to be small and petty and human and to get our perceived injuries off our chests. Sometimes I hate being the bigger person- the good little cheerleader… the gal who picks herself up and gets back on the horse again. Sometimes I just want to privately wallow for a day or two and cake myself with self-righteous mud. Sometimes we just need to vomit to get it all out of our systems and then in a day or two we come to grips and move on.

That being said I am already half way there. I just needn’t to stop, smell the roses and then stomp the ________ out of them to feel better for a moment!

This entry was posted on January 11, 2013 at 7:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.