I am already spent this day…

In the silence you deliver…

There are times when I sit back and question everything I have done…everything I have worried about…everything I have written and everything I have unearthed in this case. Times when I come to appreciate that while this is a hobby for most- it has been an obsession for me- a 24 hour a day ticker tape inside my head that ceases to relent. Awake or asleep, I tally the clues and the impressions and find segue to both plausible and positive connections. I speculate and confirm…confirm and speculate some more. It is the bridge of discovery.

Am I always right? No.

But am I always wrong? No.

I had a recent speaking engagement and in preparation I reviewed several things on my web site that I wanted to highlight- including the opening with my bio and one section caught my attention. It was the section where I am reminding the masses as well as myself that my job is not to get all the questions about a crime or an event answered, but to make sure that all the questions get asked and heard.

Asked and Heard. That is my job; nothing more- nothing less…simply to get the questions needed to be asked, asked and heard.

That being said, sometimes I worry that the questions I ask may not be the ones I should be asking. Or that the ones I ask may not have answers. And even more frightening? That sometimes the questions I ask may have answers I may not come to like. But does that measn that they should not be asked? No…I am not the person who died for asking them. Charley was. Sometimes I worry that in the asking I am separating myself from those I have come to trust and admire. I worry that the friendships that have been forged throughout this process will not be strong enough to withstand the shadow of print.

In one of the books by Anne River Siddons, she has written one of the best lines ever gifted a character: “Perception is everything my darling.” And this is true. You and I will never see things in the same light- we can’t. But more importantly- we shouldn’t. Everything you see will be seen through the prism of your personal understanding and experience. In like token, I will see the same thing from another angle as my constitution and my experience will shape my own impression of the same information in a far different fashion-and it must. For my reasons for observation and discovery will never be the same as yours. It is not just the way with this book- it is the way of life. None of us will ever see or experience the same thing in the same way and that is both a blessing and a curse for us as humans to bear. This is not a cheap disclaimer that absolves me of any sins of omission and/or assumptions…this is simply a matter of fact.

In this case- Charley’s case- there are many who thought they may have been one person at one time and are now someone else by virtue of their experience and contrition. Those who have once done wrong could have repented and followed a new path; those who have fallen and cannot seem to find the traction of their faith or forgiveness- will follow another and others may merely hide beneath the rugs of their flimsy reputations as proof that they are innocent. All this to say… I have crafted this book as a memoir of my experience in chasing the killers of Charley Covington. Even those names that have already appeared in the public domain have been altered for consequence sake. I can change the names- what I cannot change is the impression of information, or the manner in which it was received. Whether a person is innocent or guilty is based upon their actions and their ability to defent those actions. I cannot change their past- or even the impressions of their past.  Even more, I cannot un-write the things they have done or perceived to have done. All I can do is present the information received in the light of day and allow reason and empathy to write their epitaph.

People did things I cannot undo. A man is dead….a child is without her father…a grandchild is without his grandfather. How then do I parse one man’s reputation for another man’s life? How can I not tell what I have seen and heard? How can I help avoid another’s inconvenience  in a moment of doubt only to tell the same lie again 46 years later and not become as guilty as those that pulled the trigger and conspired to hide it all?

I look at Charley’s photo and must pledge my allegience to his truth- not his current legacy. His death certificate reads suicide. It should read something else and I will not rest until it does. This man was murdered in cold blood.

I am already spent this day and without shame or rancor state that I have finished what I have been asked to do; for this there can be no apology.

One Response to “I am already spent this day…”

  1. CeWM0hlg Says:

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