Brownstonelit's Blog

4/17/12

Ok… so an angel I am not.

Surprised? Nah…

Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get frustrated that I am unable to piece something where I think I am led to believe it should fit. And in that frustration, I push where sitting still might be the better option. Is this a flaw in my nature? No… just in my judgement sometimes. My inherent response to all obstacles is to clear them by whatever means necessary, or to navigate with aplumb what I cannot manipulate by sheer will.

Again, is this a flaw in my nature? No… I simply need to learn how to manage the momentum of the decent as well as I promoted the eagerness and enthusiasm of my ascent. What I did last night was vomit into the cosmos my disregard for  a recent detour. What I got in return was a notice that I had disappointed myself and a dear friend for my uncomely behavior. In the same breath I inhaled, speaking of the miracle of names on shirts… I slammed spirit within the air of  the consequential exhale, bitching that I wasn’t getting enough information.

For such a slight, the universe has put me in time out until I can see the miracle again.

We live by the sword, we die by the sword. Each one of us has one. Mine is the pen. You applaud my my gift of expression for joy and for beauty and yet, it has its dark side too. I applaud and complain within the same blotter of ink and I must learn to curb my appetite for expression. I must learn that sometimes it is better to stare at the blank page and know that in its emptiness there is more unwritten truth, than what I might pen to soothe myself.

I do not always have to write upon it, though the invitation to do so is sweet.

I am patient most times and eager the rest. Habit my dear, keeps me from resting. I am one of Vern’s girls and so I do not rest as easily as another. I do not sit idly by when I know that another ounce of energy will move the stone an inch further away from the wall before the sun sets.

I am a Taurus.

It is my nature to plow the field so that others can sew what seeds be their delight. It is in my nature to clear the field of unwanted stone so that others might use them to build other, more loving fences  or to create strong foundations for other structures they might desire to build.  It is in my nature not to balk, but to dig my shoulder further into the harness and move steadily ahead and sometimes…  when I just hit a stone wall I can neither deconstruct or maneuver about…I will sit my butt down in front of it, ponder and snort about my displeasure in hitting a greater margin than I can budge.

Sunday I hit that margin.

Yesterday I sat before it and snorted.

So today I apologize and like Ferdinand the bull, I will sit at that great margin- that endless border- that stone fence and I will try to notice that before its endless impression…lovely daisies sprout from beneath its great mass and give irony to its existence. I will try to notice how beautifully the stone wall I have hit, frames the countryside beyond, allowing the horizon to level itself. I will try to appreciate the effort it took for someone to build it from all the other stones I have already cleared for them.

And most of all… I will try to remember that some stone fences are not placed in my path to keep me out of the greater unknown of greener pastures, but to keep me safe and protected where I can survey what I have already achieved and come to love.

Sometimes it is harder living on this side of the veil, knowing what truth lies on the other side and becoming frustrated to be so close and yet… and yet…

And yet…realize I am not so far away from things as it feels some days.

Sorry Charley…

Sorry R…

Sorry spirit…

This entry was posted on April 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.