Last night I said a prayer…

5/5/2014

The numerical significance of this date: 5/5 or 55 itself signals change…significant change and the passing of another year.

This week will bring opportunities for inspiration, redirection and being guided to where you need to be. But not just the gentle guidance of the cosmos in the sense that you will get a good or bad feeling about something…but more that if you are willing to release all expectations of outcomes with complete surrender, trusting in the divine… those who have crossed over and the architect of the universe  will take over the steering wheel of your life and move you in the definite direction of where you need to be and what you need to be doing.

Will you be brave enough to let them? Will I?

Good question and a great experiment, so I’m in.

This week has felt all about surrender and loss of momentum. The end of my theatre season closed well, but the due diligence of hard work always brings the inevitable dregs of  exhaustion and the parting shot of a sickly cast- a kick ass cold that has brought me to my knees.  A small inconvenience paid for a successful run and a brilliant cast. Though illness has subdued both spirit and  navigation, I have saved enough energy to send up small prayers and rockets of desire into the cosmos- asking for intervention. According to the birthday ritual, I have now entered the final pinnacle, or rather the harvest cycle of my life and suddenly realized that perhaps this has been the necessary delay for the jumping off point in this case. The final pinnacle or harvest cycle of one’s life begins at 56, so is this why this case is being brought to me at this time ? Think my dear readers…the title of this book is called, THE HARVEST: A True Crime Investigative Memoir of the Columbus Strangler. (Copyright 2014) How else could I understand the desperation and the vulnerability of these victims, if  I have never experienced the vulnerability and insecurities of these years myself… the physical challenges of getting older as a woman, being post menopausal…being more aware of being a less threatening target and yet ignorant that a sexual crime could be focused towards someone my age or older?

For that the past few years I have looked forward to this birthday, knowing that this would be my time…a time of truly coming into my own spirit and power… of owning every moment in my life… of being on the cutting edge of a new technique or way of self expression. It was written in the stars astrologically… in my numerology and my aspirations. The numbers said not to buy a home for this cycle or tie myself down with heavy long-term obligations, as success would dictate  being foot loose and fancy free- traveling at the drop of a hat for speaking engagements- book signings- carving out new mental landscapes for others to follow and being on the leading edge of new and unorthodox ways in crime solving.

And so how does this wondrous new and epic cycle begin? With sniffles and sneezes and lackluster enthusiasm for the changes age brings to the female body! So, not the gripping introduction I had hoped for or anticipated. So far, 5 days into my pinnacle cycle has left me uninspired, out of breath and impatient for this dynamic new set of circumstances to emerge and whisk me away.

A few days ago I turned 56, closed my eyes and made a wish. Yesterday, I sat in a car while my husband drove to a Kroger for more cold medicine. My dynamic new image in the rear view mirror was  in direct contrast to the woman I had dreamed. What I saw instead was a woman who had sneezed and coughed her chest muscles and nose into raw existence- a woman who  slumped exhausted in a seat next to him- sunglasses askew and a wrinkled  Kleenex stuffed in each nostril to keep from dripping.

Last night I said a prayer, asking for more Benadryl, guidance and clarity — not to mention a do-over for my Birthday. I also prayed for a renewed sense of spirit and a regeneration of passion for this case- the kind of passion that drove me to constant distraction with Charley’s. This morning I realized that perhaps that was a ridiculous prayer to pray. The Benadryl I could supply for myself- but there are no do-over’s in life…nor Birthdays. My birthday was what it was and the passion for Charley’s case was all consuming, because I was desperately hiding from my own life through his death. I am not that person anymore. My life, my world and my sense of self is in a completely different state today than it was 5 or 6 years ago and so minus the desperation- the experience cannot be the same either. In those years I was still bereft- lost without the tangible hands of parents to guide. In this day, I know they are but a thought away- that they are wherever I am- in every and any moment I invite them to join in. Today I pass this off as a small thing- but it is not- it is huge.

Last night I was reminded how huge.

Enjoying the lull in coughing spasms, I lay watching the Long Island Medium with my husband and my clogged nostrils and her readings at the Cherry Lane theatre in New York. I was just about to  doze off when the woman being read convulsed in sobs at spirit’s revelations and she kept saying, “How could she have known that? There’s no way she could have known that…”  My husband made a similar comment and I was immediately caught off guard.

“How can you say that after everything that has happened over the past 5 years…everything you have seen and heard through R…everything that has happened with Charley? How can you not believe this is for real?”

“It’s just so hard to believe sometimes…that’s all.”

“That’s all? How can you still question any of this…how can you not believe?”

With that, I watched the rest of the show in silence, reminded how others still have a hard time accepting all this. But more importantly, I was reminded that when the angel numbers say things like, ” … because of your child-like faith…”– that is exactly what they mean. For me, this is the same as saying that each morning the sun will rise, or that my eyes are brown like my father’s…this is accepted and known. I no longer question, if indeed I  ever truly did question the continuity of life after death and the ability to sense those who have left us behind.  My father once said to me that the greatest gift he could give me, beyond life itself was faith. It only took 56 years, dad… but I finally found and understand it. Faith is knowing. Ironically enough, according to Numerology, the challenge for this final pinnacle of my life is the same-FAITH.

All this to say, that just as soon as snot is not my constant companion…I plan to dive back into my life with absolute abandon and become the woman I thought would magically appear on my 56th Birthday. As I look in the mirror I know she is there, hidden beneath the puffy eyes, the worn T-shirt and the ponytail. She’s the woman who at 45 beat a life- threatening tumor, at 46 wrote and published over nine plays and then at 47 decided to become a theatre director so she could produce them. She’s the woman who at 48 decided to start writing  books, then at 49 to investigate cold case murders and at 52 went back to school to get a degree in forensics so she could walk the walk. She’s the woman at 54 who got the ATF in Washington to re-open a 46 year old murder case, at 55 published her findings in a 436 page book and who at 56 still has the confidence to put her heart and reputation on the line every time she picks up a pen or plugs her nostrils with Kleenex.

She’s a tough old bird who understands that some days it’s better to have dessert first and save the vegetables for a salad on another day…laughs at easily at herself as she does at others and is still the lady who refuses to let life to happen to her…but rather, demands life in her happenings! True, this week she’s  a little older, a little wiser…perhaps a little thicker here and there with age, but she’s my best buddy and I wouldn’t want to face the rest of my existence or this next case without her!

Happy Birthday week to me.

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