Sometimes you’re the bug…

8/26/2017

Have you ever heard the old saying…

“Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug”?

Well, yesterday I was the bug. Even now, 24 hours later I’m still searching for the reasons why…or am I? Maybe deep down inside I already know why I was the bug and just don’t want to acknowledge that I played small part in my momentous crashing.

A thought…

Have you ever danced around an issue so long that the path becomes worn and you just want the universe to help you make a decision, because you’re uncertain that if you jump—it might be the wrong time? Perhaps this is the universe saying my path has now become a rut and things need to change. But how does one move from a space of habit and comfort to a place of unknown variables, with faith and joy? And why does the cattle prod seem to be so much sharper this time?

One would have thought that with all the good things one has done and the levels of higher conscience one has tapped into, that somehow the universe would pat you on the back for your efforts…not slap you across the fanny to get your attention.

That’s the unexpected piece…the piece that doesn’t fit the puzzle…the round peg-square hole combination that completely catches you off guard and tips you off your axis. Yesterday was that day; the day that plucked me from my path by the collar and then dumped another even larger pile of rocks in my path.

Why? What was the purpose?

Does the universe want me to stop in my path or do they want me to climb higher?

Confused, I’m currently using the pile of rocks to sit and rest in quiet contemplation. Is this current group of people in my life a good fit for the work I do? Are they toxic or encouraging–do they support or scatter my energies? It’s a universal conundrum, one I do not suffer alone.

But why the bug?

Haven’t I earned the right to be the windshield with all my good deeds?

Sometimes being the bug can bring clarity; it splays your life before you in all its pretty and ugly parts and then allows you to stand back and objectively observe each piece for what it is. So maybe yesterday was the wake-up call that I needed to either change my scenery, change my perspective or get a bigger shovel. The trouble is… how do I know which message is the right one? How do I know when it’s time to leap or simply time to shift my emotional weight to another foot and look at life through another perspective?

Thus, the rocks. This huge pile of rocks that tumbled from the skies yesterday, that now seem to taunt me—asking me to decide if they are an obstacle or a step up to somewhere and something else…something better. Still raw from this encounter, I have spent the better part of the last 24 hours simply tapping at this pile with a tiny chisel of questions, chipping away at each boulder trying to break its message down.

Can I own some of the collective confusion…did I somehow subconsciously trigger an unwanted, but cosmicly calculated avalanche in order to force a change in my path? Maybe…

Maybe…

You see, when negativity or negative people begin to surround you, you tend to back off—trying to give yourself time and space to analyze their intentions and actions and to effectively shield yourself and redistribute your strength.  And gun shy, because certain people or situations have a pattern of pulling you in long enough to set you up again …I simply decided to increase the distance. You know…walked on the other side of the metaphorical street, avoided the high traffic areas of convergence or floated through the sea of others without acknowledging quasi attempts to re-engage.

Leaving things behind…unsaid…mostly because there was little point to go over old territory issues and rejoin the cycle. But by doing so, when does the shield of protection, suddenly become interpreted as the weapon of irritation? When does one’s lack of engagement for self-preservation become, another’s new arsenal for annoyance?

Thus, my pile of rocks still blocks my path. So to help break it down, let’s ask a few more questions.

When does walking away from someone or something that breeds only negativity become the stick that drives you further away or the cattle prod used in reverse to poke you to re-engage? And how much of this is your inner self telling you that you need to move on before you have somehow simply surrendered to their endless patterns? And why does being the bigger person all the time, somehow make you feel smaller inside your head?

Again…my pile of rocks shifts…but still remains!

After a few more questions, the pile seems smaller…still there, but smaller so I will continue to chip away at each boulder trying to decipher each one’s meaning. So, trying to find the lesson… here I sit with my pile of rocks, pushing one this way—another that way—trying to clear a path to where I thought I was supposed to be headed. And if another pile of rocks falls after I have cleared my current path? Then, the message is clear that I should change my direction and allow the universe to help me navigate the second pile by heading in a new direction, with a new perspective.

Even now, as one rock begins to fall on its own…I am forced to readjust my sitting position and another rock is released, falling away. Suddenly, I begin to realize something else.

Sometimes a pile of rocks is just a pile of rocks and my experience may have been just a small part of someone else’s bigger avalanche, meant for another’s lesson or healing. In that case…may I find a diamond in the bottom of the pile before this day ends and go back to being the windshield!

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