Brownstonelit's Blog

5/15/11

Timing is everything…

We all spend enormous amounts of energy and emotion weighing the pros and cons of doing something or not. Things like… if I buy this now, I cannot afford to buy that later. Or, if I tell this person what I know- I run the risk of loosing something in the process.

“What?” I might ask, are you waiting for?

If you know something, then you have a moral obligation to man-up…step up to the plate and speak your piece.
Why is it we try to make this harder than what it is?
Life is not as complicated as we make it. I know… I used to make mine that way. But one tumor and many experiences later, I now know that life is about lessons.

What we learn- what we teach.
What karma we create over and over, because we have NOT learned.
What is inherently right and what is ambiguously wrong.
Still… we parse our words and our meanings because it is not our heads that have already rolled.
What I say to you now is truth… or at least, my truth.
When I think of Charley- I think of a six year old girl who was denied her father and he- his daughter. Because I was one of 10 and because I have children of my own- I know what a cataclysmic loss this was for all.

So I ask you again to think about these questions- but do so with your heart and not your fear.

When should you say something?
When should you keep quiet and when do you finally stand up on your own two feet, right a wrong and tell the truth about what you know?

Today…
I’m here…waiting and I will not go away.

5/11/11
They say go back…
Go back to notes from December 12th. I have 5 pages of notes from December 12th.
Look at the receipt in his wallet. Look at the bottom- see what is circled.
Charley is holding up 4 fingers.
Grim tried to take Charley’s wedding band off his finger that night.
July 11th
Route 44
State Farm Insurance
Rox and Jessica served drinks to the men at the clubhouse
There was another insurance agent
December 21st –significant
Thanksgiving Day… something you thought of!

Hindsight is awesome…

5/10/11
The other day, I was watching from a dock as tiny waves made their way- one by one in succession towards the sandy shore. Water can be a very calming mechanism of nature for me, but no less than other earthly elements such as: autumn sunshine, turning foliage and silent snow falls. All, I find incredibly calming. Waves in rhythmic sequence can also bring a soulful cadence to your breathing- can reset your internal clock and level out your chaotic thoughts… and this set of waves did much the same for me that day. As always, I was focused on Charley and the journey before me and while the waves calmed- they energized me too, because there was something inherently different about this particular set of waves.
Now before you begin to parse my words and start seeing hidden meanings and cryptic conspiracies–calculating potential distances between each rolling echo–I will tell you the truth-straight up! In addition to the wonders just mentioned- these waves brought yet another gift. My gratitude to the cosmos is immense, for how blessed am I now, that I have been trained to recognize such simplicities as harbingers’ of great intellectual wealth.
We all know my somewhat recent fascination with what gifts find the shores before me. The misshapen piece of driftwood that reminds me of a childhood toy, the odd embedded goggle- minus one lens, the reluctant rubber glove that bobs and begs for a more mysterious destination…
All those are equally fantastic, but this gift was very extraordinary. An indicator of sorts… not the actual gift itself… but the precursor signaling the impending arrival of the gift.
The gift was knowledge.
The precursor?
A feather.
A slender white and brown dusted goose feather-nothing greater- yet it held great portent. It rode the wave as gracefully as if sent from heaven. Of course, knowing it was from an earthly origin became a clue in and of itself.
Now, my dear readers…why should such an insignificant, naturally occurring object floating on top of the water be so revered by someone like myself?
Because, in the spiritual realm- a feather placed in your path- is not an accident- it is a symbol that you are about to receive an important message from someone.
Today, I have received that message.
If you are reading this- then you know who you are.
Guess what? I have a feather for you too.

5/8/11

Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter… Happy Mothers Day to me and to all mothers in the world. Here we are, entering the second week in May and it reminds me that I am now two years into this journey with Charley. To tell you it has been the most fascinating two years of my life, almost feels like obscene understatement. In honesty- the last 5 years has been like a never-ending roller-coaster of let downs, epiphanies and upheavals that have completely reformatted my way of living and thinking.

It began with the loss of my mother. How appropriate then that today I am publicly directed to honor her. I do… I have… and I always will, for she was not mere parent- but great sage and mentor. I tell you this, because we tend to see our mothers in such limiting facets- such single dimensions and do not see the wealth of experience they gift us. Mine wielded great universal knowledge behind those tiny eyes of blue and instilled such lust for life and wisdom, that today I am obliged to give thanks and grant accolades for a job well done.

Today then too, I shall think of Hazel and the tremendous gift she gave her two children and to me by proxy. Thank you for sharing Charley with me Hazel. He too, has been great mentor and guide and my gratitude is endless. As for the mothers of Roxanne and Jessica… my heart aches for each of you that your children were lost to you, but know this: I continue to follow whatever guidance granted to help bring them back to you. Jessica- to you I send a silent Mothers’ Day wish, knowing that your joy was overshadowed by your fear. It was wrong of ________________ to take that from you and to Roxanne, a sincere apology that you were robbed of such.

Talk to me ladies. I have pled your case before those who must now act in my stead, but still with eager heart wait to learn more. The smoker killed once… then a second time because he feared he would get caught for the first. How sad for you both that somewhere along the line, life failed you. I cannot replace your mothers, but I can extend the hand of friendship and ask that you participate in your collective release from this pain.

Roxanne… please continue to talk, my dear child. All the glitter of attention and the baubles of the industry they brought you, garnered you nothing but chaos and death in the end. The MOT could not protect you, even though his heart ached at your demise. Tell me more about the watch Roxanne.
It was engraved.
What else did it say???
Signed, “With Love, ________________.”

Tell me everything Rox. You owe them NO ALLEGIANCE.

Dearest Jessica… men who were not worthy, took from you your youth, a chance at motherhood and your life. Do not allow them to rule your new universe. Tell me how to find you. The pool no longer stands as once it did. Tell me about the shovel- the compass. Tell me about your face- the pain. Tell me where to find your mothers, that I might comfort them. Tell me where to find Aunts and Uncles- nieces and nephews- that family might finally be able to heal and help you finish your journey.

As mother and daughter, I promise to be there to guide and listen to you both. He/they can no longer hurt you in this realm- but together we can show him/them that your memory has not been forgotten and that you live within hearts they cannot reach. The 4 in flannel… there are two of the original 4 left my darlings…two who can still pay for their crimes against you…the MOT…Charley… and the families that suffered your collective loss.

This is not about revenge… this is about JUSTICE.
I am here… waiting. You know how to find me.
Happy Daughter’s Day, to you both.

5/6/11
And so the pendulum has finally made its way across the center mark and begun its great ascent- hurling its bulky mass past the center benchmark and into the great beyond. Its mission, you ask? To divine what can be from the other side, reset the clock, and then begin its return to me- hopefully with tenable results and confirmation of clues.
I now understand the infinite significance of sacred timing… of fidelity to cause and of universal synchronicity. I am not an ignorant human; still, I find I shudder at the magnitude of such epiphanies and revel in the patina of truth and wisdom left in their wake. The premise is so deliberate- its infrastructure and consequence so brilliant, yet it is the simplicity of its equation that brings greater comfort than the academic gloss it could boast.
You have no idea what I am talking about my dear reader… do you? And yet… you will string along with me out of blind faith until I am either brave enough, or foolish enough to tell you more.

Know this then, dear Grim.

The clock continues to tick and whilst those in the cosmos maneuver scenarios, align intentions and retool my thinking, I can confess to you this much…

There is now another with gift that humbles my stature and opens my eyes. Another that tells me new things- confirms old things and waits with equally baited breath at what the future holds for those who have toyed with universal karma and the lives of those unable to protect themselves.
Two now see the water’s edge… and the ripples of justice, that tickle the grassy shoreline that surrenders to the swampy wading darkness that once swallowed the long blonde hair that floated just below its surface.
Two now who smell the smoke and confirm the entertainment of the lurid…grapple with the fascination of faded film…tremble with the threat of discovery.
Higher and higher the pendulum climbs. Louder and louder the clock ticks … ticks… ticks.

Today I have given myself a deadline of 4:00PM. After that… I must “Let go and let God!”

You understand, don’t you Charley???

5/3/11
My friend and mentor R refers to epiphanies as, “Ah hah moments!”
I, on the other hand am a bit more base in my interpretation of such and comically refer to them as, “Oh sh__ moments!!”
Why?
Because generally when I get a flash of brilliance… even I am amazed at what I have deduced! Case in point… this morning!
Deadlines tend to rush me to the net and so, being under the gun… (No pun intended- I hope!) I rushed. The next thing I knew, I was reading a current document… which I will share later, but then went back through old material and finally made the connection! I am always amazed at how one piece of light can illuminate an entire portrait! I have had one hit me like a lightning bolt and with that much of a jolt to my sense of equilibrium- an “Oh sh____!” seems to be a much better fit for me. Ya gotta love God, though… He has a wicked sense of humor and takes great delight in my delayed intellect! Charley too, no doubt.
Just the same, I have made a connection at the 11th hour!
“…the OSTRICH is tied to the farmer by the fence, the farmer is tied to the smoker, the smoker is tied to Roxanne, Roxanne is tied to Grim…
You know, for the longest time I was confused about the farmer- till I re-read an interview and then BINGO! There it was!

O.S.T.R.I.C.H. stands for _________________. It’s not a “who” my dear readers… it’s a “what!”
The OSTRICH is tied to the farmer! The farmer to the cheese cutter!!! The cheese cutter to G! The cheese cutter was literally tied- or rather used on Charley’s arms! That’s why he was so freaked out about his skin in the first reading! It had been lacerated!
The farmer is___________________.
The smoker is _____________________.
Roxanne is dead.
Roxanne is tied to Grim. Grim was Roxanne’s _______________.
Grim is ____________________.
Can you fill in the blanks????
I can!
Now do you understand why “Ah hah” doesn’t quite cut the mustard when you’re dealing with this kind of information??
This, my dear readers, is definitely an “Oh sh__!” moment!!!

5/1/11
God has incredible timing…
The Pope’s beatification…
My birth date…
Capture of Osama Bin Laden…
Contact from …
And… a beautiful, sunny day on the water!